exit music

So I know whats happening, which always makes it feel more real. We leave at dawn on Monday for a long drive into Dakar, where we will be dropped off at a posh hotel to spend the day lounging, eating lunch and dinner, and waiting to get a cab to the airport for our 11pm flight. So tomorrow is our last day! Crazy! Fully realizing its not over, and also fully acknowledging that a car crash would be the most likely thing to kill me here so Im not yet out of the woods there, I am amused and horrified that I was so convinced that I wouldnt make it through this trip. Like I said, theres still 40 hours to go, but I really REALLY figured I was just going to keel over and die here. Im so glad I didnt!

The end is anticlimactic. Ive been expecting to realize a huge shift has occurred, or have some kind of brutal kick me in my teeth experience, but it hasnt been like that. I dont doubt there have been changes in me though, its just got to be much more subtle. I will be curious as to anything people notice about me that seems different when Im back. Im sad that I wont get home until Thursday. As glad as I am that I will have a couple days to wash the grime off of me, do laundry, and look in a mirror before I see Chris and my family and friends I also just want to go home and get on with my life there.

I have been realizing how much anticipation has gone into this trip for the last year. Its been this boulder of worry sitting behind my sternum, to be carried with the already considerable amout of stress I already carry. And now, with only a couple days before I touch back down on American soil, I realize there is a crease running down the center of my life, with Before Africa on one side and After Africa on the other. Relieved of all the worry and anticipation of this trip, I am free to fill that space with lighter thoughts and activities, to plan my life without that burden. Im so excited to do After Africa! There is so much possibility ahead of me. I had NO IDEA that I had sort of put all my thoughts beyond this trip on hold until I got here and allowed myself to consider what came next and realized it is WIDE open. That feels amazing. And is very instructive to me in how I stress myself out, and a valuable lesson about avoiding that behavior in the future.

This may be my last entry until I get back to New York. Wish me Godspeed!

xoxox L