About Today

2:20pm Friday July 9, 2009

I'm having a hard day today. I'm injured and I'm feeling frustrated with the clinic and wondering if I should just cash in my chips and call it a day, change my flight and head home.

All over Ubud, there are small portions of the sidewalk where it has caved in, leaving a 2 to 3 foot deep hole in the ground, and nothing protecting it. So it is wise advice to the traveler to keep your eyes to the ground here. Two nights ago, Tessa (the Australian doctor) and I were on our way to dinner when we were stopped outside the monkey forest and asked for directions. We helped them and then started to continue our walk. I was still turned, saying goodbye to the people we had helped, as I took steps forward and I missed the hole in the ground in front of me completely. Or rather, I didn't miss it at all, and I fell in.

I climbed out of the hole, laughing. People had pulled over to see if I was okay, and the people we'd given directions to stopped as well, looking on horrified as I cackled and blood and dirt and gutter water ran down my leg. I realized I'd lost my flip flops in the fall and had to go in again, head first, to pull them out. Tessa poured some drinking water over my wound, and luckily I had a handkerchief to try to stop the bleeding. We continued on our way with me reassuring everyone that I was fine, and I limped on to dinner, stopping every now and again to dab away more blood. We had a mediocre dinner and I had trouble concentrating on the conversation because I was in a lot of pain. I figured I'd get home and take some ibuprofen and I'd be fine.

I got home okay and went straight to bed but slept terribly. My leg ached and kept bleeding, and no position was comfortable. The next morning, the leg was swollen and tender and difficult to put weight on. I cleaned it the best I could with cold water and body wash and limped down to the clinic. All along the way, Balinese people kept stopping to ask what happened, if I was alright, if I needed a ride. I can't get over how sweet people are here. At the clinic, I took some arnica and cleaned the wound with some iodine and slathered it with neosporin. The woman who runs the clinic had arranged a girls' spa day and took a group of us to get massages ($10 for an hour!). My leg gets stiff and painful any time I sit down for too long and getting out of the car was really difficult and I saw I was still bleeding and oozing some. The ladies at the spa were very concerned with my leg and cleaned it up for me again before my massage. The massage, despite my leg pain, was lovely. They placed a bowl of hot water with nutmeg roots and vetiver and something else nice under the table, and the massage treatment room was open air, looking out to rice paddies and had a nice breeze. Naked on a table, covered with a light sarong, I almost forgot about the pain, except for when she massaged my right foot and thigh.

We went out for lunch after our massages, which had already taken quite a while, and I felt irritable that we'd spent an entire day away from the clinic, that my leg hurt so much, and that I was spending my time in Bali lunching and being massaged when I felt like I should be working and learning (I know. Where are my priorities?!). When we finally got back to the clinic, things were pretty quiet and I rested and studied until late. When no one came in in labor by about 10pm, I decided it was better to go home and rest than wait up all night. There were no births last night, so I made the right choice.

I woke up this morning and my leg hurt even more. Its increasingly difficult to put weight on it, but once I am upright and start moving, the tension and swelling seems to ease until I can walk on it again. I'm sure its not broken, but fractured maybe? I don't know if I'd be able to walk on a frature either. My leg is hot and swollen tight --it actually feels like I have an ace bandage on it. The wound is on the shin, which I know is a strong part of the leg, and I'm confident that, even if the bone is a little damaged, there's nothing to be done about it. Just have to listen to my body, rest, and try to keep walking on it, not let the muscles atrophy. But it hurts like hell. People continue to stop me to ask why I'm limping, if I'm alright. They can't fix their sidewalks, but otherwise they sure are concerned with the well-being of others.

I've got the deck stacked against me a bit because I'm less mobile, my food options are more limited. I'm having difficulty getting adequate protein as it is right now because the local diet is pretty crappy and its a long walk up hill to the restaurants where I could get a decent tuna steak or a nice portion of chicken. So I'm feeling the effects of crappy blood sugar, feeling hopeless and weak. And being hurt far away from home doesn't feel awesome, either. So I'm homesick again today. Like, really, really homesick.

What am I doing here?

I've been here 8 days and attended 3 births. Only one of those births will I count as primary for my license requirements. I'd like to do 8 at least, but was planning to attend at least 20 or 30 births in the 6 weeks I'm here. I figured that was a reasonable estimate. And while I know that can't be the whole focus of my being here, I'm frustrated. I thought I'd be busier, that I'd be included more immediately, that I wouldn't have to work so hard to get what I need. Being less mobile, dreading getting up from my chair isn't helping. How am I supposed to do births like this? What use am I all gimpy like this?

Today I'm frustrated that I'm here alone. I've been fine with it mostly, if sad that my loved ones aren't here to share it with me. But today, the practical aspect of having someone else here feels huge. It would be good to have someone I could rely on today. I've got people here, but they're new people. I don't want to lean too heavily on them for support (literally), use up their good will. I wish I could talk to one of you and cry and say the irrational, pouting, ungrateful things I want to say, just to get it out, even though I know its not helpful to be negative, resistant to what is simply so. It would be nice to hear a familiar voice, to hear something encouraging.

I miss you extra lots today.